Being a Black Woman: Hair and Dating

Deciding how to style your hair can be a complicated task, especially for black women who experience added scrutiny.

“There’s this genre of white boys, the ones who idolise black celebrities, they love natural hair”.

Kudzanayi Machiwenyika is a 21-year-old black woman working in data administration. When it comes down to the guys she is approached by, dates, or hooks up with, the stereotypes they fit correlate with her hair. She says that she mostly dates white guys, the ones that are the biggest fans of hip-hop and rap tend to love her natural hair the most.

For some black women, how they wear their hair impacts the type of men that approach them and how they are treated in that relationship.

Kudzanayi Machiwenyika with two puffs

NOVA conducted a survey, in January 2023, for our Black women readers on whether they notice a difference in the types of people that approach them romantically based on their hair style.

39% said yes and 18% said maybe. Some expanded further on their answers:

“When wearing my hair in a natural style with no extension or weave, I get approached less or by older men.”

"Braids = Non scamming men; Wigs = Scamming men; Natural = White men"

“With wigs on it gives more of a baddie vibe, so more black boys will approach me, more of an arm candy vibe"

BADDIE: A girl who always looks good, has nice hair, makeup, outfits and is photo ready.

Kudzanayi says that there is a level of curiosity when she wears wigs - a desire to know what her hair looks like underneath. She doesn’t necessarily interpret this as malicious or invasive, but it is something that she has to navigate:“It’s usually guys that I’ve been speaking to for a while, so they’ve only seen the wigs. It doesn’t really happen with the one-night stands”.

There are other considerations when thinking about hair and how to style it, one of those being durability“. I was in bed with this one guy and basically my ponytail fell off, ”Kudzanayi laughs as she tells the story. He didn’t react badly, he just picked it up and handed it back to her. When it comes to intimacy, how she wears her hair is another well-planned thought process; wigs and extensions are too unpredictable, her natural hair is the safer option“. When I have my natural hair out is when I feel the most secure, like in myself. Because I’m just like, ‘that is my hair I don’t care if it gets messy’. I think it’s just the confidence of wearing my hair and feeling beautiful, ”Kudzanayi says.

Wanita Watson, a 20-year-old black woman from Chicago, says that when she has braids or faux locs, the way she is approached by men is nicer: “It’s like I’m treated with more respect, they approach me in a nicer way, or maybe I seem more approachable. ”But when she has

a style like quick weave or a wig, she notices that the intentions are different. “I don’t get approached by the nicest guys, she says. It’s the ones that are there for the here and now. When the quick weave is gone, they’re gone."

QUICK WEAVE: A method of attaching wefted hair extensions with glue, rather than the traditionally sewing the extensions to the person’s braids, making it quicker.

FAUX LOCS: A style which creates an illusion of a dreadloc, using synthetic hair and wrapping it around the natural hair.

Wanita Watson with faux locs

Wunmi Bello, a journalist and content creator, said on her Nailing It podcast that the way she wears her hair impacts the type of guy she is approached by. She says that since wearing her natural hair out she gets ap- proached by everyone, but previously when she wore wigs she only got approached by black men.

The clip circulated on TikTok gaining 100 thousand views and over a hundred comments.

In a follow-up TikTok she gives more insight: “Whenever I had my wig on, it’s more casual, unserious. But when I have my natural hair out it’s very intentional, very upfront, very direct...the energy is just different.”

We asked our readers in a NOVA survey in January 2023 - 'Do you think the type of hairstyle you have changes how you are perceived?'

We received mixed answers, some people thought it didn’t, but the majority felt that it did:

“Yes, I am looked at more admirably when my hair is straight compared to its natural curly state.”

“I haven’t experienced it personally in years as I always wear braids, but when I straightened my hair, I would get way more compliments than when it was natural.”

Considering how they’re going to be perceived, especially for a first date, Wanita chooses a middle part, with light curls, for a flirty look; for Jermaya Kennedy, 20, it’s long knotless braids. But for Kudzanayi, it’s a more complicated answer: the way she wears her hair is determined by the guy’s vibe during the talking stage“. Should I wear a ponytail or wig? What can I do to be perceived as most attractive?”she says.

Jermaya Kennedy with long wavy hair

Different compliment patterns spill outside Kudzanayi’s dating life. When she’s behind the bar at Cirque, a high-end nightclub in Manchester, her image is part of the job. Receiving flirtatious advances is routine. And when she had a long straight wig on, she’d receive more attention.

“There would be a lot more compliments when I had a good straight buss down wig as opposed to when I had my little bun or puff,”says Kudzanayi.

BUSS DOWN WIG: A long straight wig, often jet black in colour and styled in a middle or side part. It’s sleek, flat and perfected. To an untrained eye you wouldn’t know it’s a wig.

This disparity has an impact on Kudzanayi’s relationship with her hair: “I do truly love my natural hair. But on certain occasions, to be completely put together, I need my 20-inch black wig or a ponytail. My natural hair doesn’t feel formal enough, which is weird.”

Wanita experienced a similar feeling especially growing up: “Before my senior year of high school, I couldn’t go anywhere with my natural hair. I felt out of place, I was nervous that I would be laughed at”. The pandemic was a turning point: Wanita could experiment with hairstyles at home, allowing her to build hair confidence.

For many black women, maintaining and styling hair is an intrinsic part of who they are. Different styles signify a change in seasons, moods, and occasions. For Jermaya, hair phases became a talking point. During the summer, while wearing natural hair, the guy she dated called her a “natural girl”.

When the months got cooler, she switched to more protective styles; then, the men she was dating asked her

if she ever wore her hair natural:“It really determines how people view you, depending on what time they see you.”

The perception of Jermaya was directly linked to her hair. Jermaya explains what that means: “If I see a black girl and she’s natural, it looks good. And if she’s put together it means she has her life together. She has good time management to take time out to do her hair, can afford good products and figured out a routine.”

Perception - and what that can mean - becomes a really important consideration for black women, but it doesn’t stop their hair being a source of creative expression.